Kick-Ass Kinda Girl Read online

  PRAISE FOR KICK-ASS KINDA GIRL

  “Kathi Koll’s creativity and passion put a buoyant spin on her brilliant caregiving strategies, but mostly I love the way this book places caregiving into the context of life. It isn’t about surviving as the child of an alcoholic or as the devoted spouse of someone who’s suffered a debilitating stroke; it’s about living a life powered by joy, motivated by love, and lifted by hope.” —Joni Rodgers, New York Times bestselling author of Bald in the Land of Big Hair

  “Ultimately, Koll comes across as a potential friend, someone who listens well and willingly opens her heart. Since she can’t be everywhere to help those who need her hard-won wisdom for moving forward, Kick-Ass Kinda Girl is a worthy surrogate.” —BlueInk Review, a Booklist partner

  “Kick-Ass Kinda Girl is an entertaining roller coaster of a memoir whose second half will be particularly pertinent to caregivers.” —Foreword Clarion Reviews, 4 stars

  “With her husband, Don, facing a debilitating illness, Kathi Koll had a choice to make: She could trudge on, fulfilling her role with her head down and teeth gritted. Or she could choose life for both herself and Don, honoring their time together with joy and energy. In Kathi’s new memoir she maps out a plan for caregiving with compassion and hope. Her story is a testament to perseverance, spirit, and character.” — Senator Bill Frist, MD, former U.S. Senate Majority Leader, surgeon, and cofounder of Aspire Health

  “Kathi Koll’s passion and spirit shine. Her story is a stellar example of a life fully lived despite devastating circumstances. Read it, read it again, and gift it to someone who needs a dose of laughter-through- tears along with a lot of inspired practical ideas for caregiving as a dynamic, creative, and uplifting act of love.” —Ambassador Nancy G. Brinker, founder of Susan G. Komen and New York Times bestselling author of Promise Me

  “True love, selflessness, and caring exist in this world and Kathi Koll’s story offers proof. This masterful work will touch many hearts and give any child of God a reason to believe in the greatness of life lived and surrendered to love. Now more than ever we need words that heal, are kind, offer hope, and reveal the power of encouragement. This book is a wonderful gift and all who read it will feel they have found a sister in Kathi. I highly recommend it to anyone needing to restore their inner strength and faith.” —Mother Dolores Hart, OSB, prioress of the Abbey of Regina Laudis, and author of The Ear of the Heart: An Actress’s Journey from Hollywood to Holy Vows

  “This book, full of jaw-dropping challenges, unstoppable love, and true inspiration, could not be arriving at a better time, as I believe we could all use a mega dose of whatever is in Kathi Koll’s emotional tool box.” —Lucie Arnaz, Golden Globe–nominated, Emmy Award– winning actress

  “For virtually her entire life, Kathi Koll lived in the front row seat of caregiving. From alcoholism to cancer to Don’s debilitating stroke, Kathi felt the full force of brutal illnesses, and yet she dug deep as a caregiver to respond to it all with strength, honesty, and a dignity that blazes a trail for the rest of us.” —Peter Rosenberger, author of Hope for the Caregiver, host of Caregivers with Hope radio show, and husband/ caregiver for 30+ years.

  “Kick-Ass Kinda Girl is a deeply moving and personal story of love, compassion, devotion, anguish, sorrow, courage, and strength, beautifully told by Kathi Koll. It is the perfect gift for anyone seeking a path through pain to a place of joy, peace, and understanding.” — Alexandra de Borchgrave, president and chairman, Light of Healing Hope Foundation

  “Like the 1984 Olympic U.S. Hockey Team win against Russia, Kathi Koll pulled off a miracle. Her husband Don was not supposed to live for long after suffering a catastrophic stroke, let alone thrive for over six years in the comfort of his own home surrounded by loved ones. I witnessed Kathi’s spirited determination firsthand as she actively and lovingly addressed the challenges posed by Don’s debilitating illness. For Kathi, impossible meant nothing. Her miraculous ability to seize every possibility for hope as she orchestrated with expert precision a medical team that would rival any hospital ICU reveals a woman of great strength and courage. Kathi’s moving story is an indelible portrait of one woman facing the impossible with grace and gumption and never giving up.” —Harley R. Liker, MD, CEO of Liker Consulting, and associate clinical professor of medicine at David Geffen School of Medicine, UCLA

  “With humor, grace, and raw honesty, Kathi Koll reveals the personal struggles she has faced as a daughter, a sister, and a spouse selflessly caring for loved ones in need. She brings a unique perspective to a universal experience, and her story offers valuable lessons on how caregivers can improve the quality of their lives and by doing so, improve the quality of care they give others.” —Donna Benton, PhD, director, USC Family Caregiver Support Center

  “In this captivating and touching memoir, Kathi Koll offers a fresh perspective on the relationships that define our families and the care and devotion we give our loved ones. Here is a story of courage, love, and resilience, no matter what life brings. This is a must-read for all healthcare professionals, their patients’ families, and anyone in a caregiving role.” —Farzad Massoudi, MD, fellow of the American Association of Neurological Surgeons

  “Kathi Koll is the most modern of genuine American ladies. Her kick- ass demeanor is reminiscent of the frontier women who pioneered the trails of our country’s western expansion. Her journey—from Lucille Ball to Laura Bush—is powerful, relatable, and personally inspiring. Read this book, as the lessons learned are priceless.” —Christopher Meigher, publisher of Quest magazine

  Published by Ward Publishing

  P.O. Box 5470

  Newport Beach, CA 92662

  Copyright © 2018 by Kathi Koll

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without written permission from the copyright holder or a stated representative. Requests for permission should be sent to [email protected].

  Cover design by Zoe Norvell

  Cover image © Alita Ong / Stocksy United

  Book design and production by Alex Head / Draft Lab

  First edition

  ISBN: 978-1-7323649-1-2

  Printed in the United States of America.

  To the many caregivers whose tireless courage and devotion are endless.

  The world is a better place because of you and the loving example you set for us all.

  “A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty.”

  —Joan Didion

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Letter to Readers

  Prologue

  1. The Visual Girl

  2. Unforgettable

  3. Mr. and Mrs. Koll Go to Washington

  4. The Day My World Stood Still

  5. Locked In

  6. Our New Normal

  7. There’s No Place Like Home

  8. The Test

  9. Relearning to Fly

  10. One More Roll in the Hay

  11. Rewarding Rewards

  12. Sweet Sorrow

  13. The Next Room

  14. Is There a How-To Book?

  15. Beatles to Bocelli by Way of Malaysia

  Afterword

  About the Kathi Koll Foundation

  About the Author

  Ackowledgments

  Questions for Discussion

  LETTER TO READERS

  If my story inspires anyone, I feel I have accomplished my goal. It’s not a how-to, but more of a story of challenges that proves one can still enjoy life and find rainbows.

  Why did I write this book? At one time my answer would have been, “I don’t know.” Throughout my colorful life, friends have said, “You’ve got to write a b
ook.” I’d think of some of my fun experiences, but I always circled around to, “Who’d care?”

  Now, I hope people who have found themselves in the complex situation of being a caregiver will find hope in my words. My story is unique, but so are all of your stories. Being a caregiver, no matter what economic stratosphere you come from, is a badge of courage that no one should have to wear. It eats at our hearts and the depths of our being. Caregivers are definitely number two, but in reality they should be number one.

  I hope my story helps all of you out there find some kind of a path to follow. My path taught me that today is merely a blink in time. As difficult as it is, life’s worth living. In the deepest and saddest moments, somewhere there is a flower just blooming.

  I’ve had many challenging life experiences, and as I look back at them, I wouldn’t change any of them. The joy of life is to be able to see the positives no matter how bleak the moments are. Just work through them. I promise you—there really is a rainbow of happiness around each challenge. I’ve always been rather adventurous, and my life as a caregiver was too. I used to say to myself, “If I can think it, we can do it.”

  One doesn’t need to be trekking across mountains. There are all sorts of adventures. Just the unknown, stepping into an unusual situation and coming out the other end, is the best kind of accomplishment.

  It’s because of my friend Ambassador Nancy Brinker that I decided to take the plunge and tell my story in a book. I hadn’t seen Nancy for a long time, and I’m not quite sure what spurred on my idea to ask her to lunch a couple years after Don passed away. Nancy knew Don while she was married to the late Norman Brinker, the restaurateur responsible for the creation of the salad bar, and throughout the years, Don and I ran into her at all sorts of events and in all sorts of intriguing places. Don always liked Nancy, and we most likely would never have had our special little tie of history if it hadn’t been for him. I might have met her, but from the beginning, she’s been a part of the tapestry of my “Don Life.” We might have been better friends if we had ever lived in the same area or if Don hadn’t had his stroke, which caused me to slam on the brakes of many budding friendships. I followed her career from afar—especially intrigued with the fact she was going to be Ambassador to Hungary. Don and I had even hoped to visit her there. Later she was called on to be the Chief of Protocol to President George W. Bush. After Don had his stroke, I wasn’t living a life where we’d see one another on a regular basis, but when I did have a little respite and spent a few days in Palm Beach with our mutual friend Tom Quick, I loved catching up with her.

  In May of 2014, I was in New York City, and by coincidence, Nancy was there too. I called and asked her if she’d like to meet for lunch. The timing was perfect, and she came with Lynn Sellers, a board member for Nancy’s foundation. It was the first time I had seen Nancy since Don’s death, so there were a few tears and some catching up to do on both our parts.

  “Kathi, why don’t you write a book about your experience with Don,” Nancy suggested out of the blue.

  “I’ve thought about it, and people have mentioned it,” I answered. “I’m not sure where’d I start, what I’d say, or how’d I go about it.”

  “I wrote a book about my life with my sister and how I started Susan G. Komen,” she replied. “I really think you could reach a lot of people who are going through what you’re going through. All you need to do is tell your story just like you’ve been doing this afternoon. I watched your life with Don after he was ill from a distance and kept up through friends. I have an editor I’d love for you to talk to.”

  “Hmmm.” My mind started racing. “An editor?” I was thinking, thinking, thinking and at the same time listening, listening, listening. The idea was starting to feel a little exciting. Especially coming from Nancy. “OK, I’ll call your editor and see what she thinks.”

  The rest, you could say, is history.

  Yes, I’ve had many sorrows, but most importantly, I’ve had much joy. I can only hope that in sharing a bit of my story, a piece will resonate with others who are also going through difficulties and see that things can get better.

  The circle of life can be such a beautiful thing. Eleven years to the day after Don’s stroke, the day that so changed my life, my ninth grandchild was born. I saw an anonymous quote the other day that struck a note deep within me, because it has been so true so many times in my life, “If life can remove someone you never dreamed of losing, it can replace them with someone you never dreamt of having.”

  PROLOGUE

  “You’ve always had the power, my dear.

  You just had to learn for yourself.”

  —Glinda the Good Witch

  My heart was heavy as I made my way through the rolling hills of Connecticut. So many memories of the two Dons who forever changed my life mingled with the weird sensation that I had just been here. Was it because that area never changes? Was it because time seemed to stop, and my last visit felt like it was just yesterday? When my trip began, my brother and my late husband weighed equally on my mind, but as I saw the timeless scenery, the connection to my brother Don became unmistakable. My husband, Don, and I shared many places and memories together, but this quiet spot in the hills of New England undeniably belonged to a love that had been a part of my life far longer.

  In so many ways, I’m a seeker of things I don’t understand, but at the same time, I’m afraid to ask the questions that might help me find a meaning to the end. I have regretted not asking my brother Don more in-depth questions about his life. He wanted to share, but I was afraid to listen. He had a dimension that is hard to explain and a life enriched with the friendship of so many different types of people.

  His unique love affair with the actress Dolores Hart seemed to have the recipe of “happily ever after,” but it wasn’t meant to be in the traditional sense. She was the love of his life and had always been part of my life from afar. For many years, he struggled through the sadness of his life’s direction without her in the traditional sense, but years later, I saw that he came to an understanding that their life was never meant to be as a married couple. I came to this conclusion while watching his interview about Dolores in the HBO special God is the Bigger Elvis after Don passed away.

  He was so articulate in the interview, which sadly was the last he ever gave. He died unexpectedly shortly thereafter. The last scene shows him saying goodbye to Mother Dolores with a kiss, a promise to phone her, and an uneasy walk down the aisle of the chapel. Dolores had tears in her eyes as she clasped her hands together and pointed them towards the heavens. She told me that those tears were not acting, that she’d had a strong feeling it would be the last time she would ever see him. His imbalance walking out of the chapel in the last scene is difficult for me to watch even now. Don had neuropathy in his feet, an illness Dolores shared with him, and it caused him to stumble from the numbness and pain he felt. It was the cause of the fatal fall he took the following November. One of the saddest days of my life.

  My brother met Dolores, an up-and-coming actress who was often labeled as “the next Grace Kelly,” when she was in her early twenties. Her long blonde hair and crystal-blue eyes sent men swooning. There was something special, something different about her that set her apart from so many starlets of the day—girls like Paula Prentiss, Yvette Mimieux, Connie Stevens. The story goes that on their first date, my brother fell head-over-heels for her and knew she was the one for him. He asked her to marry him that very night.

  Their courtship was true Hollywood in every sense of the word but at the same time very real. They were a young, beautiful couple very much in love. I was in grammar school at the time, so I really didn’t recognize the celebrity of it all. Looking at the old movie magazine photos and stories of their courtship now, it looks like a fairy tale. My brother, in his thirties, tall, dark, and handsome. Dolores, breathtakingly beautiful with an innocence that made her even more appealing. Don never had any of these publications on display, but I found them in
a box after he died. A treasure chest of memories and years gone by. Many people envied their life together, but the ending was not what most people would ever imagine. It was a true love story of kindred spirits and a personal closeness deep within their souls.

  Don Robinson and Dolores Hart

  My brother and Dolores included me in many aspects of their life. I was even lucky enough to visit the set of Where the Boys Are. The most vivid memory of that day was sitting on the steps of Dolores’ trailer when her co-star George Hamilton came up and sat next to me. He said, “Little girl, I’ve been admiring you all day, what’s your name?” I was smart enough at the time to realize that he was just being polite, and his real desire was to get to Dolores. In any event, it was pretty fun for an awkward fifth grader to be “admired” by one of the most handsome young actors of the day. I visited the set of St. Francis of Assisi, starring Brad Dillman (so handsome!) and Dolores, where my eyes were opened up to the backstage energy of movie making. I dreamed of being a movie star just like her. She was the first actress to kiss Elvis Presley onscreen. Not a bad legacy to have. A few years later, Elvis called my brother to tell him he wouldn’t be able to make his and Dolores’ wedding. He really wanted to be there but didn’t want to ruin their day with all the hoopla his attendance would bring.

  Another vivid memory I have of Dolores was the evening of my piano recital. I was around seven or eight years old. My mom had invited her bridge club friends and their spouses to watch me, but when it came time for me to perform, I was MIA. I refused to get out of the car. I had performed the year before, but for some reason, this year I was scared to death. My mom had me dressed up in the dress I wore as little flower girl in the childhood actress Margaret O’Brien’s wedding. It was quite dressy and made out of a beautiful sari fabric from India spun with gold threads. I simply refused to get off the floor of the car. My poor mom was beside herself, especially since her friends were inside the auditorium having to listen to numerous other children playing their piano pieces. Children they didn’t even know. My brother asked Dolores to talk to me. She sat on the floor next to me and gently told me of the various times she had had stage fright when she was acting on Broadway. I listened politely to her stories, but in the end, when everyone thought she had succeeded in convincing me to perform, I curtly said, “no.” I never left the car, and the bridge club ladies left with my mom feeling so embarrassed that she had put them through such a challenging evening. That was the last piano recital I ever had to be in. Hallelujah!